That we are friends...and that I trusted him to ask.
[She didn't know what she was getting into when she asked. Mira never expected to have it go so far.]
This may sound strange but I never had these kinds of feelings with anyone before. So I don't know what is the right or wrong way. Someone saw it and told me what they were and urged me to learn what they were and to speak on them. Be truthful and all that. But...I fear it has done much more harm than anything else. And I gave into those harsh words, believing them to be the truth.
[But she has to remember Vanitas's words, how and why he reacted as such. That he's been locking himself into misery for a long time and it's not what she did so much. That he's pushing away any kind of good. And yet, it still hurts.]
But...no, he didn't say those words. A passing fondness and maybe he still does. [Or maybe not anymore.]
And yet logic is telling me that I need to break it. Just so he doesn't fall into a deep sleep and won't wake up. It doesn't matter what I want out of all of this, it may just end in getting him more hurt. And I can't do that to him.
[It sounds simple enough. That they usually make these choices for the better of others but what if they will be much more dangerous? Could she live with that? Mira already lives with the fact that she killed Emet-Selch but could she live with the same guilt if she did the same to Hades?]
[Irhya pushes off the wall and saunters a bit closer to Mira, sitting next to her on the bed.]
He likely thinks of it as protecting himself. From what he told me, he fears any pursuit of love would just end in pain for him when the inevitable happens: you die, and he is left to grieve. It's not unlike the choice Hraesvelgr had to make, when you think about it. Which is probably why he tries his damnedest not to get attached.
I think it more than a passing fondness, but to admit to that would be to let himself slip towards those hopes that he feels will invariably be dashed. It isn't you, it's him -- much like he fears his sudden mortality, he fears losing, too.
[She sets a hand atop Mira's, her eyes focusing on a spot on the wall because she finds herself unable to make eye contact. To comfort someone you love from the heartbreak caused by someone you also love... it is a strange, conflicting feeling.]
If he slips into that coma, it won't be because he made a bond with another Witch. It'll be because he bit off more than he could chew all on his own. It's not your responsibility. Breaking one bond might save him in the short term, but who's to say he wouldn't go and make another to replace it later?
Besides, by that logic... if we really want to lighten his load, shouldn't the person to break the bond be his most recent, and not the first?
[Even though Irhya is just holding her hand, it...helps a bit. But even there were things she didn't know about the man, such as the worries about love and how it would be ripped away due to many matters. Honestly, she does worry about speaking on it a bit since wouldn't this make Irhya feel like a third wheel? Mira truly doesn't mean to come off that way and honestly, since it just kind of started, it's like testing the waters. If she had fallen in love with an ascian, it would happen without a doubt to her.
Her other hand moves over Irhya's and even though she doesn't look, Mira does look at her.]
If I was told that, mayhap I would have been more careful with my words. I cannot fathom what he can be feeling after ions of being alone, only to have it being snatched away by something. Godsdammit I can be so daft and only realize it too late. 'Tis my worry that I would hurt those I care about, not just Hades but...you and Vanitas too.
[But then, Irhya's next words make her think. Speaking logically...she would be right. It would be the one most recent and by what Vani said, he cared too much to break any of them. Would he feel the same now? Almost that she missed that last line.]
I...I guess that would make sense. But what do you mean the first? Are you saying...?
I don't know who he Bonded with to add to his load, nor does it matter, but if we're arguing someone should break a bond, it ought to be the person who put him in such peril in the first place. I'm sure he had his reasons -- or perhaps he didn't tell them about it being his fourth at all, so they'd assumed it was safe. But then, what good will Bonding someone at the cost of going comatose do him? He is not that self-sacrificing.
I doubt he will, and I wouldn't go to that person and insist they break it for him, either. But those are my thoughts on it, anyway.
[Not that it makes any difference if they did. The man is stubborn in a class all his own. Her fingers curl around Mira's.]
Perhaps he needed to hear that people care about him that deeply, if he could only wrap his mind around it. You and I were the first to Bond with him, to my knowledge, so that he would single you out simply because you said something he considers "useless" is just petty on his part. Then again, we both know his capacity for pettiness already.
[If anything, perhaps he'll keep her Bond only to feed cold anger into it periodically, just to spite her. She hopes that isn't the case, but judging by his past approach to things...
And if that happens, she thinks with a tightening in her stomach, Irhya will have to act. Either by setting Hades straight or telling Mira to break it for her own good, much as it'll hurt to do so.]
Please don't blame yourself. He's hanging by a few threads of his own making and refuses to yield even when offered a rope instead. It's like he'd prefer to suffer than take the small motes of something resembling happiness that are within his grasp.
And yet I still feel responsible somehow. That perhaps, I should have not spoken my feelings because of course he can be petty.
[But still, the ultimate decision is coming soon and Mira's unsure what to do. Either way, she has a choice to make and she has to be sure she can live with it. To break it and let him be correct or keep it and risk him constantly feeding the negative into her and her needing to block them. Funny how that she's needed to block emotions lately considering she usually keeps them wide open.
But what does Mira want?]
Of course my first had to be with someone like that. Bloody idiot I am. Just...lost on where to go right now.
[About then, she tugs her in for a hug, pulling Mira's face towards her shoulder.]
His trauma is not your fault, Mira. Besides... if someone has to break to save his arse, let it be me. It's likely he's going to go ahead and do it for me anyway at the next opportunity, even if that's not his justification for it. I don't... really want him to get the last word on that one, admittedly.
[A small sigh into her shirt.]
He has to help himself at this point. The trouble is making him want it. All talking seemed to do was make him even more unhinged...
[Willingly she goes but since Mira is taller than the miqo'te, she has to lean into her shoulder. The downsides of having height sometimes. But as she hears Irhya's plans, she shakes her head immediately.]
No, I can't let you do it. Not if it's for me. I know we dark knights are accustomed to pain and sacrificing is the normal matter for a Warrior of Light but I rather not have you do it because of me.
[Mira can't...she can't let her suffer like this alone. But she has to make this choice for her.]
Does it matter who or what it's for anymore? He's going to do it anyway whether I like it or not. I may as well just sever now and spare him any potentially worse fates in the process...
[The last part is muttered into the fabric of her shirt.]
It'll leave you as the last person I can actually feed from, though. I'll... try not to be too much of a burden, okay?
[The feelings remain but she's not too fond of the ascian right now. Just because he's hurting doesn't mean he has any right to drag others into it. Godsdammit all.]
You are and never will be a burden. I knew what I was getting into and I would keep on doing it, but not because of honor or some other shite. Nay, whoever says that can shove the notion up their arse.
[Like the firebird before him, he'll keep raging against the bars of his cage, unable to know peace in death nor able to live freely. The greatest kindness, in that case, is...
She makes a small noise.]
Thank you. You are one of few, granted. I'll try finding others so as not to overtax you, but I imagine I won't get much in the way of responses. What else can I do, though? If I have to drink the vials every so often, I'll suck it up and drink them, at least for a while.
[Her body slacks; more of her weight leans into Mira.]
If I have to settle for protecting him from a distance, then that's damn well what I'll do. Somebody's gotta look out for his stupid arse. He won't like it, but perhaps he never has to notice...
[It's not the Light or the Mothercrystal's blessing that gives them the greatest but their own strength. Perhaps Mira will be able to try and find hers soon. Seems like she's lost some of it while here.]
We rather keep to the shadows to protect those we love, hmm?
[With a sigh she nods and finds herself wrapping an arm around her fellow dark knight.]
I said once that if this were the case, I would take the pain. For it would make me see that I can still feel. It will hurt but I rather feel that than numb. That I could at least feel.
Numbness is only a defense mechanism. Perhaps we can endure it for so long, but eventually, we'll cease to notice it.
[A sign that she's beginning to wonder if she's afflicted by such a problem, herself. Maybe she's been holding onto it for so long that she doesn't even realize how much of her has fallen into the void...]
It is what it is, I suppose. I'm here for you, even if no one else is.
[Do any of them know how far they fall until it is far too late? When does someone realize they drown in despair and just end up succumbing to it? No one is immune to it.
Not even Warriors of Light.]
And I for you.
[But there's something else. Hesitant but nonetheless there, a small creeping feeling of warmth through their Bond. She'll be there for her.
"In your darkest day... in your blackest night...think of me."]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
omnicrafter) wrote2019-08-02 03:20 am
no subject
[She didn't know what she was getting into when she asked. Mira never expected to have it go so far.]
This may sound strange but I never had these kinds of feelings with anyone before. So I don't know what is the right or wrong way. Someone saw it and told me what they were and urged me to learn what they were and to speak on them. Be truthful and all that. But...I fear it has done much more harm than anything else. And I gave into those harsh words, believing them to be the truth.
[But she has to remember Vanitas's words, how and why he reacted as such. That he's been locking himself into misery for a long time and it's not what she did so much. That he's pushing away any kind of good. And yet, it still hurts.]
But...no, he didn't say those words. A passing fondness and maybe he still does. [Or maybe not anymore.]
And yet logic is telling me that I need to break it. Just so he doesn't fall into a deep sleep and won't wake up. It doesn't matter what I want out of all of this, it may just end in getting him more hurt. And I can't do that to him.
[It sounds simple enough. That they usually make these choices for the better of others but what if they will be much more dangerous? Could she live with that? Mira already lives with the fact that she killed Emet-Selch but could she live with the same guilt if she did the same to Hades?]
no subject
He likely thinks of it as protecting himself. From what he told me, he fears any pursuit of love would just end in pain for him when the inevitable happens: you die, and he is left to grieve. It's not unlike the choice Hraesvelgr had to make, when you think about it. Which is probably why he tries his damnedest not to get attached.
I think it more than a passing fondness, but to admit to that would be to let himself slip towards those hopes that he feels will invariably be dashed. It isn't you, it's him -- much like he fears his sudden mortality, he fears losing, too.
[She sets a hand atop Mira's, her eyes focusing on a spot on the wall because she finds herself unable to make eye contact. To comfort someone you love from the heartbreak caused by someone you also love... it is a strange, conflicting feeling.]
If he slips into that coma, it won't be because he made a bond with another Witch. It'll be because he bit off more than he could chew all on his own. It's not your responsibility. Breaking one bond might save him in the short term, but who's to say he wouldn't go and make another to replace it later?
Besides, by that logic... if we really want to lighten his load, shouldn't the person to break the bond be his most recent, and not the first?
no subject
[Even though Irhya is just holding her hand, it...helps a bit. But even there were things she didn't know about the man, such as the worries about love and how it would be ripped away due to many matters. Honestly, she does worry about speaking on it a bit since wouldn't this make Irhya feel like a third wheel? Mira truly doesn't mean to come off that way and honestly, since it just kind of started, it's like testing the waters. If she had fallen in love with an ascian, it would happen without a doubt to her.
Her other hand moves over Irhya's and even though she doesn't look, Mira does look at her.]
If I was told that, mayhap I would have been more careful with my words. I cannot fathom what he can be feeling after ions of being alone, only to have it being snatched away by something. Godsdammit I can be so daft and only realize it too late. 'Tis my worry that I would hurt those I care about, not just Hades but...you and Vanitas too.
[But then, Irhya's next words make her think. Speaking logically...she would be right. It would be the one most recent and by what Vani said, he cared too much to break any of them. Would he feel the same now? Almost that she missed that last line.]
I...I guess that would make sense. But what do you mean the first? Are you saying...?
[She can't be saying that, right?]
no subject
I doubt he will, and I wouldn't go to that person and insist they break it for him, either. But those are my thoughts on it, anyway.
[Not that it makes any difference if they did. The man is stubborn in a class all his own. Her fingers curl around Mira's.]
Perhaps he needed to hear that people care about him that deeply, if he could only wrap his mind around it. You and I were the first to Bond with him, to my knowledge, so that he would single you out simply because you said something he considers "useless" is just petty on his part. Then again, we both know his capacity for pettiness already.
[If anything, perhaps he'll keep her Bond only to feed cold anger into it periodically, just to spite her. She hopes that isn't the case, but judging by his past approach to things...
And if that happens, she thinks with a tightening in her stomach, Irhya will have to act. Either by setting Hades straight or telling Mira to break it for her own good, much as it'll hurt to do so.]
Please don't blame yourself. He's hanging by a few threads of his own making and refuses to yield even when offered a rope instead. It's like he'd prefer to suffer than take the small motes of something resembling happiness that are within his grasp.
no subject
[But still, the ultimate decision is coming soon and Mira's unsure what to do. Either way, she has a choice to make and she has to be sure she can live with it. To break it and let him be correct or keep it and risk him constantly feeding the negative into her and her needing to block them. Funny how that she's needed to block emotions lately considering she usually keeps them wide open.
But what does Mira want?]
Of course my first had to be with someone like that. Bloody idiot I am. Just...lost on where to go right now.
no subject
His trauma is not your fault, Mira. Besides... if someone has to break to save his arse, let it be me. It's likely he's going to go ahead and do it for me anyway at the next opportunity, even if that's not his justification for it. I don't... really want him to get the last word on that one, admittedly.
[A small sigh into her shirt.]
He has to help himself at this point. The trouble is making him want it. All talking seemed to do was make him even more unhinged...
no subject
No, I can't let you do it. Not if it's for me. I know we dark knights are accustomed to pain and sacrificing is the normal matter for a Warrior of Light but I rather not have you do it because of me.
[Mira can't...she can't let her suffer like this alone. But she has to make this choice for her.]
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[The last part is muttered into the fabric of her shirt.]
It'll leave you as the last person I can actually feed from, though. I'll... try not to be too much of a burden, okay?
no subject
[The feelings remain but she's not too fond of the ascian right now. Just because he's hurting doesn't mean he has any right to drag others into it. Godsdammit all.]
You are and never will be a burden. I knew what I was getting into and I would keep on doing it, but not because of honor or some other shite. Nay, whoever says that can shove the notion up their arse.
no subject
She makes a small noise.]
Thank you. You are one of few, granted. I'll try finding others so as not to overtax you, but I imagine I won't get much in the way of responses. What else can I do, though? If I have to drink the vials every so often, I'll suck it up and drink them, at least for a while.
[Her body slacks; more of her weight leans into Mira.]
If I have to settle for protecting him from a distance, then that's damn well what I'll do. Somebody's gotta look out for his stupid arse. He won't like it, but perhaps he never has to notice...
no subject
[It's not the Light or the Mothercrystal's blessing that gives them the greatest but their own strength. Perhaps Mira will be able to try and find hers soon. Seems like she's lost some of it while here.]
We rather keep to the shadows to protect those we love, hmm?
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[She pushes her eyes into her shoulder with a mild groan.]
Suffice it to say that this sucks, though.
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I said once that if this were the case, I would take the pain. For it would make me see that I can still feel. It will hurt but I rather feel that than numb. That I could at least feel.
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[A sign that she's beginning to wonder if she's afflicted by such a problem, herself. Maybe she's been holding onto it for so long that she doesn't even realize how much of her has fallen into the void...]
It is what it is, I suppose. I'm here for you, even if no one else is.
no subject
Not even Warriors of Light.]
And I for you.
[But there's something else. Hesitant but nonetheless there, a small creeping feeling of warmth through their Bond. She'll be there for her.
"In your darkest day... in your blackest night...think of me."]